Breaking Silence: Part 1

First and foremost, I would like to thank everyone who has been supportive over the last few months. I love you all from the bottom of my heart!

Now, for those of you who don't have a clue what I'm talking about, unfortunately my mother lost her battle to cancer on April 20th, 2022. This journal will reflect on the last few months before God took her home.

So, the last piece I published was in regards to seasonal affective disorder. Yes, it speaks more so on dealing with depression during a certain season or time of the year, however my disorder was due to a season of trials and tribulations at the time. My mother had already been diagnosed with cancer for quite some time now and things weren't progressing in the way we thought it was. The doctor had given her six months to live. My whole being shut down once I heard those words.

How do you process the thought of having the one person who has physically been there for you.... your entire life, down to about 6 more months?

I was struggling....REAL BAD! I had no clue how to cope. I didn't know when it was okay to cry. I didn't want to talk about it. I never wanted to leave my room because, well I was afraid of what I might find on the other side of the door.

Have you ever seen someone deteriorate from the inside out? …I did.

I've complained about putting on a fake mask to hide the emotions of whatever I'm going through before, but when it's right there in front of you. Staring at you. Day in. Day out. There was no hiding that. The last thing I wanted my mom to do was to worry about me. Y'all think she listened? NOPE! So she started asking me questions: Did you eat today? Did you get any sleep? Are you okay? I just couldn't get myself to tell her that all the answers were the same: NO! I mean, how could I? I was her caregiver so I provided around the clock care for her. Six months had passed by and she was still fighting for her life. Three months after that, her body began to shut down. First sign was when she wasn't able to see clear enough to read or write anymore. She would be the very first person to read my blog whenever I published, so when she asked me to read it for her, I knew something was up. Then, when her arm stopped functioning. I had to prepare meals for her, clothed her, and help her get in and out of bed. I knew at that point, it was just only a matter of time. I prayed day in and day out to keep my mother here for as long as I could, but God had other plans.

........to be continued.